101 Gay Sex Tips You Didn't Learn in Middle School Sex Ed - Pride.com
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As gay/bi men, we didn't learn much in sex ed.
Sex is such a taboo topic in school as it is, but anything on the LGBTQ+ spectrum is definitely unheard of. We may have had a generalized overview of STIs and some contraceptives, but everything else is up to us to explore.
Whether you're new to gay sex or looking to explore and deepen your experience, here are 101 tips that you certainly didn't learn in sex ed.
1. There's more to sex than anal penetration
There's a focus in mainstream media on penetrative sex. It has to P-in-B, otherwise it doesn't count as "real sex." This is ridiculous. Define sex for yourself. Don't let society define it for you.
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2. It's okay to vocalize and explore your fantasies... and to say no to ones you're uncomfortable with
There's going to be someone out there who's into what you are, and others who are going to have their own preferences, likes, and dislikes. If you've always wanted to get tied up, don't be afraid to say so. If you want to bring some toys in the bedroom or explore with anything that's been calling to you, don't be afraid to say so.
On the flip side, "consent" matters here, too. We've already talked about that in general, but don't try to force someone into doing something they don't want to, and conversely don't ever feel like you have to indulge in someone else's fantasies if you don't want to, either.
3. It's healthy and normal to be kinky
Everyone has something a little kinky that they're interested in. Some men explore that kink while other men don't. But it's completely healthy and normal to be interested in something a little more "atypical." Don't judge yourself for your desires.
4. Explore your sexuality
Not only do you have kinks and fetishes, you should explore them. I'd go as far as to say nothing is unhealthy, as long as it's performed in a safe and consensual manner, and doesn't extend outside of the bedroom in unhealthy ways. I used to judge myself for some of my more "intense" desires, but then I learned others have the same desires. Find the person that's right for you who's also interested in your sexual fantasies. Then explore them safely.
5. Never do anything risky for sex
When you're younger sex seems like the most important thing in the world. It also seems scarce. Sex isn't scarce. Ever. You can have as much sex as you want (especially if you don't care who you're having sex with). There's never a reason to put yourself in a dangerous situation for sex.
6. You can never use too much lube
Lube if your best friend. Sex hurts without proper lubrication. While the anus does have some natural lubricants it's seldom enough to be enjoyable without an additional form of lubricant.
7. Safe sex is sexy sex
STIs run rampant. While sex-ed courses focus on STIs more than anything else, most don't focus on the importance of condoms for your psyche. Many queer men have thought about HIV or other STI's during sex, especially, when not wearing a condom. That sort of anxiety-ridden sex is not going to be fun. That's the last thing you want to have on your mind during sex. You want to be able to enjoy it and not worry about STIs. That's why safe sex is sexy. It allows you to relax and enjoy sex without thinking about HIV (or other STIs).
8. Age is just a number
But do, for the love of God, abide by the legal age limit. I meant more on the upper end on the spectrum, age is just a number. Sex with older men (and younger men) can be a lot of fun. Older men tend to have more experience than you, and they can teach you a thing or two in the sack. Don't be ageist. Go for the silver fox.
9. Try multiple lubes, and then splurge on the one you like
The KY jelly sold at CVS was okay when you were masturbating as a 16 year-old, but as an adult, it's important to find the type of lube you enjoy. Is it water-based, silicone-based, or oil-based? Lube has the capacity to take your sex life to the next level, so it's worth it to splurge on nicer lube that you enjoy.
10. Splurge on nice condoms
You can always get free condoms from health services. I used them for years, and I am so thankful for those services. That said, if you can afford them, it may be worth it to splurge of thinner, more comfortable condoms, which are unfortunately not handed out from health services because they're too pricey. Condoms, like SKYN, tend to be a favorite among queer men. (And you can buy them in bulk on Amazon so it's cheaper).
11. Explore ribbed vs. unribbed condoms
Especially for queer men who have penetrative sex, the standard is unribbed. However, ribbed can be very pleasurable for the bottom (or painful), so it's worth exploring both.
12. Rimming is a thing
And it's probably more common than you think, especially in the gay male community. Rimming (AKA analingus) does come with health risks (so too does oral directly after penetrative sex), so it's important to be careful and clean as a whistle when rimming.
13. Great sexual chemistry can confuse you into thinking there's something more there
By this I mean that having great sex with someone can lead you to believe you like them for reasons outside of sex. Sex is a powerful connector. My uncle gave me this advice, and while it's a tad bit condescending, I think there's some truth to it. "When the sex is great, you never know if you actually like them until six months later."
14. You can be multi-orgasmic as a man
It's a real thing, and something that can enhance your sex life twofold. It takes a few months to become multi-orgasmic, and a lot of work, but it's definitely worth it in the end.
15. Being a "bottom," "top," or "vers" doesn't define you
There's more to you than your sexual preference. There's more to you than how you have sex. Don't let people objectify you or diminish your personhood to how you like to screw.
16. Sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary
Boy, I can safely say that would have saved me years of struggle and anxiety if I were taught that from a young age. There are many more sexualities than gay and straight.
17. Gender is a spectrum, not a binary
One can also fall outside of male and female, feeling they embody both genders. Similarly, you can be agender or genderless. There is so much more to gender than male and female.
18. Men's racism will take the false form of "sexual preferences"
Sexual racism is a thing, and it's rampant in the gay/bi community. On dating apps men often say that they don't hook up with certain ethnic groups. They are open about their prejudices in a manner that's hurtful and offensive.
19. Keep a towel on your bed during sex
I wish I learned this handy trick years earlier. Keep a towel close by during sex. That way you can wipe off extra lube or wipe yourselves down afterward. It makes sex that much easier (and cleaner).
20. Femmephobia and sizeism are real, hurtful, and ubiquitous in the LGBT+ community.
In addition to sexual racism people are prejudiced against men who act and identity as more feminine. They can also discriminatory against overweight men. You'll often see "no fats or femmes" on dating profiles.
21. Trim or don't
It doesn't matter. It's all a matter of preference. Some men love body and pubic hair, and others hate it. Do whatever you like for yourself.
22. Polyamory is valid and not an excuse to cheat
Monogamy is not suitable for many men, women, and genderqueer individuals. Many people need multiple partners and relationships to live happily. Polyamorous people aren't just using the label as an excuse to cheat.
23. Open relationships can work
Open relationships are different than polyamorous ones. With polyamorous relationships you are open to the idea of loving multiple people. But in an open relationship you love one person but sleep with others, either together or separately. Open relationships do work -- but they require honesty, communication, and trust.
24. You can still get STIs while using condoms
This is probably something they taught you in sex ed, but not necessarily. Unfortunately, you can still get STIs while wearing condoms. The odds are significantly lower, but viruses like herpes and HPV can exist outside of the area a condom covers. It's still good to know your partner's sexual history and plan accordingly.
25. It's not weird to ask someone their status
I've heard many men say they wanted to ask a date about his HIV and STI status, but felt it would be weird. It's absolutely never weird to ask someone about their status. It can be a little awkward but it's always worth it.
26. Some men will be dishonest with you about their status
I didn't say that they outright lie, because it's not necessarily purposeful or malicious. But I have been with men who didn't quite see the "big deal" in exposing their pos status. That's why it's important to be safe and to always ask.
27. A strong core is for not just about flashy abs
Strong abs are crucial for planks and other various sexual positions that require powerful core strength. Do abs if you want to be a beast in the sheets.
28. Your sperm will have different shades of color
Yellow, clear, and white. It doesn't mean you have an STI. It just means that something in your diet affected the color of your sperm. But, it could also mean you have an STI, especially If it's a thick shade of yellow. If the coloring is consistent, you should consult a doctor.
29. Erectile dysfunction happens in young and healthy men
ED is on the rise in young, healthy males. Many factors can lead to ED, including substances like alcohol and drugs, but anxiety is also a big factor. You may experience a time when you can't get hard because of nerves. You're only human. It's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up for it.